i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
