I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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