it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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