the condom got lost in my hair
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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