I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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