I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
