Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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