His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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