I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
