How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
