I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
