Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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