My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
