How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
