He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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