he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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