I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
