My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A+ Viking dick
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
