yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize