If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You have to summon your inner elephant
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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