hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
