so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
