remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
