after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she smelled like a LAN party
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
