There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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