once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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