I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
