believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
