I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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