Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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