Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We need to get me chipped asap
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
