Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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