last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
