Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize