If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
