I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
