he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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