remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
