well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
