i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
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