dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
