I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
