ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
