I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize