for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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