Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize