He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
