I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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