her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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