Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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