if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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