Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
