My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
