i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
