i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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