Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
two words...techno handjob
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
