Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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