i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize