There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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