I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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