She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
