Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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