Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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