I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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